Why most relationships fail

I am quite sure that everyone reading this post has been in a relationship that failed; I have not come across or heard of a person who has only dated and married ONE person in their life. I back up this statement by looking at some divorce rates. A survey conducted in 2002 shows the following percentages of new marriages that ended in divorce:

·   Sweden - 54.9%

·   Russia - 43.3%

·   USA - 45.8%

These stats are shocking and alarming!

BUT WHY DO RELATIONSHIPS FAIL??

Like any other important thing in life, relationships require some work (well, allot of work actually).
I like to compare relationships to running your own business. They require planning, your time, dedication, faith and passion. It is not as easy as it looks to maintain a good healthy relationship.
Here are a few things that could lead to break-ups, not in order of importance though.

Compatibility - This can also be put as "Lack of planning". Do opposites REALLY attract? Sure it's great to have some "spice" in your life. But relationships are about getting your needs met to some point. Constant "clashes" with your partner will definitely lead to lead to unhappiness.

Dating a person for the wrong reasons also won’t get you very far, be it for money or for status. Bottom line is; if you are going to be with this person, you will not only have the pleasure of enjoying all the things you love about them, you will also have to deal with all the things you DON'T like so much about them. Therefore there obviously has to be more things you like than don't like.

Burnout - Although many can carry out romance throughout their entire relationships, the actual honeymoon phase does have to end at some point, in reality. Every relationship has its ups and downs. During the "down", if one partner seems trapped, tired, helpless, depressed or let down, and does not seek to solve this problem with the other party, things can only go downhill from there. And those who can keep the "love" fires burning, not 24 / 7 but off and on regularly during their relationship, have better chances of a happier relationship than those who suffer burnout and don't know where to turn or how to solve their problems.

Pressure - When one partner puts pressure on the other partner for whatever reason, this partner could possibly end up feel like they are not good enough no matter how much they try, and ultimately not want to be in a relationship. Nobody wants to feel like a failure, small or unappreciated. This applies to both the man and woman.

Forgiveness - No one is perfect. Mistakes are a part of life. Those unwilling or unable to forgive can pretty much count on having more unhappy relationships over time. Relationships based or growing on anger, spite, disgust, resentment or other negative feelings associated with lack of forgiveness are like a ticking-time-bomb.

Just the fact that you are willing to work out things is enough to heal a broken heart and can bring healing back to your relationship quickly. Good luck

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My best friend's new girl

Today I had the pleasure of meeting my best friend's new girlfriend, I think they have been dating for about a month now. I basically got tired of hearing about this amazing, beautiful girl and decided to go meet her. I like her so far, she seems cool and interesting.

It's always amazing for me to see two happy young people in the early stages of a relationship, where life is full of joy and excitement. I feed off that sort of energy and it inspires me to some degree. I can honestly say that I enjoy (for a lack of better words) seeing such happen!

The reason why I feel this way is because I am kind of dissapointed with how the majority of us young men view relationships and commitment. Too many guys date for the sake of dating, and not for the purpose of finding a lifetime spouse. Is it because women are said to mature faster than men?

I wish this new couple all the best in their relationship, that they create many wondeful memories, and a solid foundation to fall back on in future.

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Woman

Woman was made from the rib of man.

She was not created from his head to top him, nor from his feet to be stepped upon.

She was made from his side to be equal to him,

beneath his arm to be protected by him,

near his heart to be loved by him.

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In love

I honestly fail to understand why most guys my age prefer not to be in love. What is it about being in love that they despise so much that they rather label themselves as players or bad boys and so forth. I can honestly count with my one hand how many guy friends I have who are openly, happily in love. It's amazing.
Being in love and loved is possibly one of the best feelings in the world.

I decided in my last year of highschool already that when I get to university, I am not going to look for a girl friend but a prospective wife. Yes, things did not go according to plan for a year and I half but I quickly managed to remember this goal that I had set for myself and I did just that.
The only hardest part about this goal of mine was to find someone who felt the same way and had a similar goal in mind.

Just like anything in life, being in love and having a serious relationship does have its challenges and risks.
For example, starting a business is risky but the rewards make it worthwhile! Therefore the risks and challenges should not be enough reason for one not to be in love.

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Can you imagine life without your partner?

Have you ever considered what life would be like without your man or woman? How it would impact your life, and what things in your life would change as a result thereof etc

Chances are, when things are going well in the relationship, such questions are the very last thing on your mind. This can be both good and bad, but more to the good side.

It is good that you dont ask yourself these questions because it implies that everything is really going well, and you have absolutely no reason to doubt the future of your relationship. In the same breathe of air, it can be bad if you constantly ask yourself these same questions. It implies that for some reason you keep on re-evaluating the relationship. There is nothing wrong with re-evaluating your relationship, but too much of it means there is something that's bothering you which is not being attended to or solved, and that is not good.

As I always say, your happiness is something very important and within YOUR control, and the best advice I can give you if you more than often find yourself re-evaluting things is you need to sit down with your partner, stop beating around and work together and solve any issue you or he/she has, no matter how big or small it is. Reach some kind of conclusion.

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Your girlfriend and your girl friend

I bet some of you are confused by the above title of this post and think I made a typo? Nope!
The issue here is your relationship with your girlfriend (your partner), somewhat clashing with your friendship with your female friends or friends of the opposite sex.

The term JELOUSY is obviously the very first thing that pops up when I think about this scenario.
It is very easy for your friends to say that since being with your girlfriend you guys dont hang out and do the things you used to, it is even easier for your girlfriend to perhaps become jelous of the relationship you have with these female friends. Its just complicated!

The way I deal with this myself, is to make sure that my partner meets and is comfortable with my close female friends, that should somehow put her at ease and we can even all hang out together. But ofcourse this is only possible when both of you are mature about things and you genuinly do not hav any other dodgey motives for having these friends besides pure friendship.

What u dont want happening is making for girlfriend feel like you care more about your friends than her, we all know women LOVE feeling special and all. At the same time you do not want to end up losing your friends because of a jelous girlfriend, as specialy if you dont give her any reason to be jelous. Thats the balance that one needs to maintain to minimise problems, in my opinion anyway.

What about you??

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Thinking back

So many regrets I have about my past, as specially when I ask myself if the cheating was all worth it. But of course, it really wasn't. It was an excuse of an escape route of some sort I guess, I don't know.

Well, theres no use feeling sorry for myself forever, I had to take responsibility for my actions and face the music at some point or the other.

I'm really glad I have found myself though. I'm glad I managed to get out of the frame of mind I was in, as quickly as I got into it.

I laugh to myself when I look at guys out there who walk around feeling proud to be "players". What is even funnier though is the awkward silence I get when I then ask them "so what if some other boy out there had the exact same mentality as you, but was dating your younger sister?". Hahaha, the silence is priceless.
Im going to finally let go this picture, I think its long overdue, plus my girl probably wouldn't want to see it.

What about YOU? Have you ever cheated and had trouble taking responsibility for your actions? Lets talk about it, I would seriously love to know! :-)

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Staying in an unhappy relationship

Why is it that some people decide to stay in unhappy relationships? This is rather puzzling isn't it. I'm sure you know of atleast one person in your life who has been in such a situation?

Although there are literally thousands of reasons why, I'm going to mention a few.

1) Fear of the unknown - Being in a serious relationship suggests that you invested your time and effort into the relationship. Furthermore, it means that you have developed a certain lifestyle and habits which directly results from you being in a relationship. Now letting go and having to change your habits and lifestyle may seem like too much for some people.

2) Shame or Failure - It's just not easy for you to get to a point where you can admit that the relationship has run its course and should now end. As specially having to explain to other people that you and so and so are not together anymore because of this and that. It's even worse when there are children involved.

3) Things will change - This should have probably been number one on the list! Obviously every relationship has its ups and downs you know, but there is a very fine line between normal "disagreement" type of arguments and unacceptable abusive arguments. The trick here is to critically analyse your own situation once every while. I.e do you argue about the same things over and over again?

4) Security - This can be associated with number 1 and 3. Some people are with their partners because they NEED something from them. Be it money, fame, a roof over their head, etc, and the fear of loosing all of that is not worth it.

(My suggestion - your happiness is something you should never ever under any circumstance give away. Therefore, be objective and really ask yourself if you are doing what makes you happy)

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Dont lose out!

Hi all!

As you can see, this blog is still in its early stages, and there is plenty where the previous blogs came from.

Therefore I urge you to bookmark or subscribe to this blog so that you dont miss a single post.

Thanks!

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From player to prayer

Today I talk a little bit about how I overcame something which I think many men go through.

The story behind cheating

Although the topic of why men cheat is for another post, I think we should should shed some light there first.

Studies have shown that men are more likely to cheat on their partners, and that there are quite distinct differences between why a man would cheat and why a woman would cheat. And with evolutionary psychologists telling us(men) that we are wired to lay our seeds in as many women as possible to ensure our genetic survival, adultery is slowly becoming a defensible misdeed

I have also suffered from this very "cheating syndrome" at one point in my life, and hopefully never again. I find it mind blowing how it happens so simply and soon spirals out of control!

There is always a reason for cheating, and most of the time it is the fact that there is a problem that one is trying to avoid. Cheating starts off as a quick-fix for the couple's integrity, when leaving the relationship seems too hurtful or simple "too much".

With that said, my little thrill-seeking-adventure did not take too long before I wanted out, and that came about by me having to mend a heart which I cut deeply by my cheating ways. The good thing about me, which I am proud of, is that I realised how wrong I was quickly and tried my best to deal with it immediately.

As mentioned in the post more about me, I starting praying to God asking for forgiveness and to make me a better person, and I honestly think that helped. Anyway!

 How to avoid cheating

Here are a few guidelines which should help you not to cheat:

1. Talk to your partner. Having a strong, open partnership in which you can talk freely is important to keeping that bond strong. The basis of a good long-term relationship is more than sexual, it has to be a friendship.
2. Avoid potential cheating traps. Most men are smart enough to know the potential traps that lead them down the road to becoming unfaithful men. So if you truly want to avoid that scenario, simply steer clear of these situations. E.g. Avoid meeting alone with anyone that you feel attracted to sexually or romantically and do not confide personal details to anyone that you may feel attracted to.
3. Stay intimate. Physical contact in a strong relationship should involve more than just actual sex. Intimate touch, from stroking hair to massaging to simply holding each other, is key to keeping those bonds strong.

The ball is ultimately in your court. As with anything in life, you have a choice of whether to cheat or not. Make the right choice.

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Are you worth it?

This is intended more for the ladies, as I am yet to hear of a guy who has fallen victim to this.

Why do some women (and men I guess, in rare cases) allow themselves to be in a situation whereby they are extremely hurt because the person they "love" has just left them?
I say this because a female friend of mine came to me yesterday, as red as a tomato and full of tears, telling me that her boyfriend has just dumped her for no good reason.
Too often I hear of such cases and it breaks my heart seeing somebody in pain for someone who does not care much about them.

One of our God-given rights in life, is the freedom of choice.
We have and make plenty of choices everyday, mostly without even thinking about it.
If you and your partner are going through problems and are fighting, you have a choice to keep trying to understand each other or to give up by breaking up. It's a choice one makes!

I hope I dont get into trouble with my partner, but even I myself have HUGE fights with her, which leaves us both in tears, but we have pladged long time ago to each other that we would never stop trying to fix things.

Now if your man/girl dumps you, always remember that they had a choice to stick it out with you till the end or leave.
Yes it is going to be sad and probably frustrating for you, but you cannot sit around sobbing and feeling sorry for yourself. This person chose to leave you, it was no mistake.
He/she is simply not worth your time and you need to come to terms with it. If he/she really loved you the way they supposed to, they would rather try to resolve the issues at hand, and the fact that they left should tell you something.

You are an individual within your own rights, and life is simply too short to waste with someone who does not value you.

Wake up, it's not the end of the world, you were doing quite fine before you met him/her remember.

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Is it really love?

Do you love your partner? Yes? Good. In that case I hope that means you understand what love is.

I have noticed recently that the majority of us young people tend to think and believe that we are in love where in actual fact we are not. The word love is being thrown around way too much and I feel it is misunderstood. I am referring to the love between two partners and not the love shared between family and friends.

There is a big difference between real love and emotional attachment. When we have emotional attachment to someone, we need their attention and presence. Often attachment occurs out of a sense of insecurity.

Strong relationships need a certain level of detachment. We need to be able to accept others for what they are, rather than expecting them to give us all their attention.

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Inspiration

ARE YOU HAPPY IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP?

If you're not married yet, share this with a friend. If you are married, share it with your spouse or other married couples... and reflect on it.

An African proverb states, "Before you get married, keep both eyes open, and after you marry, close one eye."

Before you get involved and make a commitment to someone, don't let lust, desperation, immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low-self esteem make you blind to warning signs. Keep your eyes open and don't fool yourself that you can change someone or that what you see as faults aren't really important. Once you decide to commit to someone, over time their flaws, vulnerabilities, pet peeves, and differences will become more obvious.

If you love your mate and want the relationship to grow and evolve, you've got to learn how to close one eye and not let every little thing bother you. You and your mate have many different expectations, emotional needs, value, dreams, weaknesses and strengths. You are two unique individual children of God who have decided to share a life together.

Neither one of you is perfect, but are you perfect for each other? Do you bring out the best in each other? Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete, compare and control? What do you bring to the relationship?

Do you bring your past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain.

You can't take someone to the alter to alter them. Do not judge this person by the mistakes of all you ex-lovers, ex-wife, ex-husband, ex-whatever.

Do not live in the past you might miss the present and throw a good love away because of your own insecurities brought upon you by yourself. Do not play private investigator and prosecutor, always digging for dirt when a person has not given you any reason to doubt their commitment to you. Stop being a prosecutor, always confronting your mate with stories you have heard from nameless individuals who may be jealous of your affair.

Nobody appreciates being told directly or indirectly by your questioning that they are not trusted. Trust this person until he/she gives a strong reason not to trust him/her. Respect his/her privacy. If you do not trust a person for whatever reason...you better just end it because without trust there is no hope in any relationship.

You can't make someone love you or make someone stay. If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and life," you won't find yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness or responsible for pain. Manipulation, control, jealousy, neediness, and selfishness are not the ingredients of a thriving, healthy, loving and lasting relationship.

Wrong reasons for being in a relationship.

* Seeking status, sex, wealth and security.

* Not getting out of the relationship because you pity the otherperson.

* For the sake of the kids and yet you are absolutely unhappy.Thiscould be even more psychologically destructive for the kids than youthink.

* Staying in it because you feel (psychologically) obligated toe.g.. what will her/his folks and friends say if I leave him/her

* He/she might commit suicide - emotional blackmail.

* Threat and/or fear of physical violence from the person orsanctioned by the person.

* "I am so used to him/her, how can I leave him/her after somuchwe have been through together" and yet you are so miserable and unhappy andemotionally abused and sexually starved. You keep on having littleaffairs and sexual relationships with other people...this is asign that you do not really love the person you are with. Get out ofit. Life is too short.

 

What keeps a relationship strong?

* LOVE, Communication, Intimacy, Trust, A sense of humour,Healthy sexual appetite, open mindedness, companionship,Friendship. Sharing household tasks.

* Avoiding secrets as much as possible

* Know each other's whereabouts to build trust andaccountability.

* Some getaway time without business and children.

* Daily exchanges (a meal, shared activity, a hug, a call, atouch, a note, sit together on the sofa watching TV, touch eachother like you used to while dating and first met...rememberthat naughty touch there).

* Leave a nice message on their voicemail or send a nice email.Sharing common goals and interests. Support each others business/ work

* Growth is important. Grow together, not away from each other,giving each other space to grow without feeling insecure.

* Don't try to control or change one another

* Learn each other's family situation.

* Respect his or her parents regardless.

* Don't compare your relationship with so and so's relationship.You are a unique couple in own right.

* Don't put pressure on each other for material goods. Remember,for Richer or for Poorer.

* Do not pretend but be considerate, diplomatic and cautiouswhen you criticize or don't like something, your mate has feelings too.

If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment, withdrawal, abuse, neglect, dishonesty and pain replace the passion that started it in the first place.

"Nurture your mind with great thoughts, for you will never go any higher than you think."

GOOD LUCK IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP!!!

(please note that this post was not written by me in any form, and was received via e-mail )

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Dealing with cheating

This post goes out to all those who have been cheated on by their partners...yes, girls do cheat as well if you didn't know.

Cheating hey, the first that that comes to my mind is why, why cheat. If you are not happy you should simply excuse yourself from a relationship, but that is a topic for another day.

So, u have come to realise that your significant other has cheated on you, what do you do, how do you move forward with life?
1st and foremost, stay calm! Take a breather and get all your facts together. There is nothing worse than accusing someone of cheating whereby they weren't cheating.
Be objective and open minded with the information you are getting, YOU need to analyse firstly if you are getting info from a reliable source, and lastly ASK (not accuse/tell) your partner if they cheated on you.

Now lets assume that you did get cheated on. The ball is really in your court.
I do not condone cheating in anyway, but there is a difference between for e.g "you had a fight with your partner, he/she got drunk and ended up kissing that guy/girl who always flirted with him/her" and "your bf/gf has been sleeping around behind your back". This is why you need to analyse everything objectively, this may be difficult for some people.

The intensity of your relationship also counts here, I.e how long you have been together. If you feel that it really was a mistake and your partner is really sorrowful for what they did, by all means I recommend that you forgive them and continue being with them. I must warn you though that it is not going to be easy, and your relationship will change, but will heal with time.

I speak from both sides of the coin, as a person who has cheated and a person who has been cheated on and chose to forgive.

Choosing to stay with a person who has cheated on you is not easy, it hurts, even after years, and the cheater has to make it up to you. So it creates a certain upper hand to the one who got cheated on, and its then easy to take advantage. So as well, be careful not to take advantage, as this will lead to PLENTY of fights.

I wish you all the best

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Understanding your partner

I was speaking to my father over dinner last night about love and life, and he said something to me that sparked a chain of thoughts in my mind. He said to me "you know, it takes years for you to actually understand someone". We were talking about things like divorce.

This the made me think allot, recalling that Iv seen so many couples (myself included), happily in love but forever fighting/arguing over petty things, which most of the time you would later sit together and laugh about.

I personally think the reason for this is simply because we are different. Think about this way. You were raised in a certain kind of environment by your family, you were taught what is right or wrong from an early age which is now engraved in the back of your mind. Now the same goes for your partner, they were also brought up in a certain type of environment with the relevant rules etc.

The problem is, we weren't all taught how to handle certain situations the same way, some simply weren't taught what others were taught etc..which then make us all different. This then becomes an issue when two people fall in love and then "become one" because they now have opposing views on some things, and that causes conflict where 1 of the partners would have to sacrifice or "change their way of thinking, (which normally only happens after a fight)

My point is this, early in a relationship, admit to yourself and your partner that YOU GUYS ARE DIFFERENT and chances are you will fight about certain things in future, but that does not mean you love him/her any less, it only means that you are willing to continue learning more about him/her and discover what they like and don't like.

Couples fight all the time! Its life, its not easy accommodating someone in your life on a full time basis. If you really love him/her, these fights will never be the,end of your relationship for as long as you are still willing to learn about your partner.

Lastly, "don't try chance your partner to be like you", that should happen on its own with time. I sure you've heard that couples married for over 20years eventually actually start to look alike.

Remember that you fell in love with your partner for their individual self, so why now change that which you fell in love with?

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Taking your relationship to the next level, but before marriage

Soo...you've got girlfriend/boyfriend and things have been great and you are happy. You two have been together for some time now and things are starting to head towards marriage, but marriage seems like too much of a "next step" to take for you? Better yet, you WOULD LOVE to get married to your partner but you cannot at the moment because you are either still too young, you can't introduce him/her to your folks yet, financially you just aren't ready, etc etc

My excuse is that I am not financially ready, I have my mind made up though about where my girl and I are headed, oh and please bear in mind that I am just a 21 year old university student.

I am blessed by coming from a Catholic home whereby church was drilled into us from a young age.
I am even more blessed that my girlfriend also comes from a Christian, church-going family.

Now I must tell you, I am not the strongest of believers out there, but I do try.
I say this because sometime last year my family and I started having financial trouble, and although things kept looking like they would get better, they just wouldn't, like we are cursed or something. I then started losing faith in the Lord because I couldn't understand why we were being punished wheres we did what we were supposed to. So I often cried (as specially seeing my parents struggle) and complained allot, and where better to cry than your partner's shoulder.
On a random day, my girlfriend then came to me and say "come lets pray together".
I was somewhat confused. I mean I knew she was spiritual, but to share that part with me? Anyway, we then started reading scriptures and praying together and I would often be given homework (having to read scriptures and give report backs).

That was probably the best thing that could have happened to her and I. From those moments, we openly invited God into our relationship and things have never been the same since. Don't get me wrong, we are not close to perfect as we still argue allot, but the amount of pressure(if I can call it that) has been lifted off our shoulders. We feel as though we have now passed the turning-point in our relationship and there is simply no going back...and that my dear friend, is an awesome feeling.
What this means is that, no matter what happens or how much you fight and argue, as long as you both know that God is working through your relationship, you guys will not end up leaving each other, therefore giving you less to worry about in your relationship.

I hope I am making sense.
so yes, my simple advice to take your relationship to the next level is simply "Pray together", I can almost guarantee you that you guys will be closer than before. Good luck!

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Worth reading

I came across this good article which I think is definately worth reading.

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